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Click Your Way Into Her Pants! The Average Joe's Guide To Getting Laid Using The Internet by Steven Nash. $ pages.
Table of contents

The Web [1] has sent a jolt through our culture, zapping our economy, our ideas about the sharing of creative works, and possibly even institutions such as religion and government. How do we explain the lightning charge of the Web? If it has fallen short of our initial hopes and fears about its transformational powers, why did it excite those hopes and fears in the first place? Why did this technology hit our culture like a bolt from Zeus?

Suppose--just suppose--that the Web is a new world we're just beginning to inhabit. We're like the earlier European settlers in the United States , living on the edge of the forest.

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We don't know what's there and we don't know exactly what we need to do to find out: do we pack mountain climbing gear, desert wear, canoes, or all three? Of course, while the settlers may not have known what the geography of the New World was going to be, they at least knew that there was a geography. The Web, on the other hand, has no geography, no landscape. It has no distance.

It has nothing natural in it. It has few rules of behavior and fewer lines of authority. Common sense doesn't hold there, and uncommon sense hasn't yet emerged. No wonder we're having trouble figuring out how to build businesses in this new land. We don't yet even know how to talk about a place that has no soil, no boundaries, no near or far. New worlds create new people. This has always been the case because how we live in our world is the same thing as who we are.

Are we charitable? If we're egotistical, then the world appears to center around us. If we're gregarious then the world appears to be an invitation to be with others. If we're ambitious then the world appears to be awaiting our conquest. We can't characterize ourselves without simultaneously drawing a picture of how the world seems to us, and we can't describe our world without simultaneously describing the type of people we are.

If we are entering a new world, then we are also becoming new people. Obviously, we're not being recreated from the ground up. We don't talk in an affect-less" voice, express curiosity about the ways of earthlings and get an irresistible urge to mate once every seven years. But we are rewriting ourselves on the Web, hearing voices we're surprised to find coming from us, saying things we might not have expected. We're meeting people we would never have dreamed of encountering. More important, we're meeting new aspects of ourselves. We're finding out that we can be sappier, more caustic, less patient, more forgiving, angrier, funnier, more driven, less demanding, sexier, and more prudish--sometimes within a single ten-minute stretch on line.

We're falling into email relationships that, stretching themselves over years, "imperceptibly deepen, like furrows worn into a stone hallway by the traffic of slippers. We're falling into groups that sometimes feel like parties and sometimes feel like wars. We're getting to know many more people in many more associations than the physics of the real world permits, and these molecules, no longer bound by the solid earth, have gained both the randomness and the freedom of the air-borne.

Even our notion of a self as a continuous body moving through a continuous map of space and time is beginning to seem wrong on the Web.

If this is true, then for all of the over-heated, exaggerated, manic-depressive coverage of the Web, we'd have to conclude that the Web in fact has not been hyped enough. In , when the media coverage of the Web was at its most hysterical, psychologists at Carnegie Mellon University began giving computers, software and Internet access to 93 Pittsburgh families who had never been online before. While a significant portion of the globe was wearing out the thesaurus looking for synonyms for "exciting" to describe the promise of the Web and another portion with equal passion saw the Web as the final smut-filled convulsion of civilization, the Carnegie Mellon scientists calmly studied these families for two years, asking them questions about their patterns of usage, their outside interactions and their mental states.

In the fall of , the results began to leak out: for a significant number of these families "Internet use led to their having, on balance, less social engagement and poorer psychological well-being. Two years later, in the fall of , another study was featured in The New York Times.

Headlined "Who Says Surfers are Antisocial? The studies caused controversy individually and in comparison. Were the samples fair? Why didn't the Carnegie Mellon study have a control group? Had the Internet changed in the five years between the start of the first and the end of the second study, as suggested by one of the first study's authors?

That each of these opposing stories was front-page news exposed some of the disquiet behind the public passion for the Web.

At the time the media were focused on how the Web was making twenty-five year old software jockeys into billionaires, how upstart companies were threatening the largest "bricks and mortar" corporations, how investors were grumbling if they didn't make 10 times their money in 18 months. But we--the great mass of Web users--knew that there was more to the story than how the money was being made and, later, lost.

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We knew that the Web was affecting more than our bank accounts and our "shopping experience. The truth is that neither of these studies could really answer the question "Is the Web making us more or less social? Are we spending more or less time with our friends in the real world? These questions are only interesting, however, because they give us factual pegs on which to hang our intuitive sense that something big is happening. We're worried, we're giddy, we're confused. If our way of being social is different on the Web, it surfaces questions that give us vertigo.

For example, much of our sociality depends upon drawing the line between our private and our public lives: a friend is close if you feel we can tell her that you're secretly quite religious, that your sex life is other than she thought, that you're not as confident as you may seem. Likewise, it's a serious transgression for someone to overstep the line by asking questions more personal than we're entitled to; "So, how much money do you make? Because the line between public and private is so important to us--we use words such as "embarrassment" and "humiliation" to describe what happens when the line is crossed--we generally know the rules so well that we don't have to think about them.

But the Web is putting us into positions where the lines are not just blurry but seem to have been re-drawn according to a new set of rules that don't yet make sense to us. Even something as straightforward as email is catching many of us unwittingly on the wrong side of the line. For example, in October , Xerox fired 40 people for email abuse. At the same time, the Navy was reporting it had disciplined more than employees at a Pennsylvania supply depot for sending sexually explicit email. These crackdowns on email "abuse" expose a fissure. On the one side, email is like mail-- you type it in and send it to someone.

On the other, email is like a conversation --you talk about whatever you want, you make jokes, you don't bother re-reading it before you send it, you forget about it ten minutes later. So which is it? A formal letter or an informal conversation? Get it wrong, draw the line between public and private inaccurately, and you could end up fired. Or worse. John Paul Denning found himself locked up in the Bellevue Hospital's ward for the mentally disturbed--his shoelaces confiscated as a precaution against suicide--because he'd written an email to an old friend in which he said, "Maybe I should stop showing people my new gun, but I'm so proud of it.

Makes me feel like a real New Yorker," [xii] as well as some references to the mayhem he could commit. New York University expelled Denning when they heard about this, although eventually a board of inquiry readmitted him when he was able to show that the email was meant as dark humor to a close friend. The problems we have finding the new lines between the public and the private are part of a more general problem we're having understanding how to coordinate the two worlds, one real and one virtual. A circuit board inspector for a local electronics company, Alciere ran as a Republican in a heavily Democratic ward, although in his six previous bids at public office he had run variously as a Democrat and as a Libertarian.

The four-way race received almost no coverage, and Alciere squeaked in with a vote margin, possibly because his name was listed first on the ballot. Only a couple of weeks after he was sworn in did anyone notice that The Honorable Tom Alciere had a home page that called for eliminating mandatory school attendance and removing the age restrictions on drinking.

On a site devoted to the topic of suicide, Alciere weighed in with his suggestion that one way to get "sweet revenge against the government for making everybody's life miserable Thirty-six days later, he resigned, sending an email that explained how he got elected: "Well, nobody asked me if I liked cops, or supported the drug laws, etc.

He did nothing to hide his views. It's quite likely that the voters in his district in New Hampshire have learned a lesson: what counts as "the public sphere" has changed. It now includes the Web. We're just not sure how. You could look at these examples as anomalies--a quiet teenager who gets on the Web and makes cruel threats, scores of workers who get fired for saying in email only what they would have said in person, a fringe candidate who's blunt about his outrageous views on the Web without any effect on his campaign.

But just about everywhere we turn, the Web upsets our expectations. Sharing copyrighted music files seemed perfectly proper to 70 million Napster users. Companies that compete form cooperative net marketplaces. Pornography that once you had to go to Sweden for now you can't avoid. The best sources of information about products are online customer forums, not the companies creating the products.

Children play ultra-violent online games with the innocence of a game of tag. Hundreds of millions of people are building a trans-national infrastructure without guidance, assistance or permission. So many things don't make sense on the Web that we're suffering from Anomaly Fatigue. Perhaps it's just as well, for focusing on anomalies can be a way of denying the disturbing nature of what passes for normal. Just as arguments about, say, abortion are the least likely to lead to an understanding of the nature of morality--far better to watch how we humans accomplish our ordinary acts of decency--so, too, if we want to make progress understanding what the Web is doing to something as basic as our social natures, we need to look at our everyday experiences of the Web.

Besides, does anyone really want to keep arguing about Napster? So, let's not pound our heads against the anomalies. We can learn more by looking at something perfectly ordinary on the Web. For example, if we want to pursue the question of the Web's effect on our sociality, we could look at "weblogs" or online journals, for there you can see the redrawing of the line between public and private. In , a few sites began offering tools that made it so easy to create and maintain a weblog that all you had to do was type in the content.

Let's take a random example. Someone named. The page's main serving consists of frequent write-ups of Web sites.

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Zannah finds interesting:. This site [www.

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Taco Joe's graphics are silly at best, which led me to believe that I wouldn't like this game. However, upon giving it a chance, I found myself somewhat enthralled with the taco making, roach squashing business.

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Open Cola, the world's first open source cola. I have no idea how it tastes, but I'm fairly amused at the idea of an open-source food or drink. Good information that might help a hapless browser find some useful sites. Zannah isn't merely conveying information. In the left-hand margin of the page,. Zannah pulls back the veil on herself by providing lists of what matters to her, including "recently acquired items" "blue vinyl pants, rhinestone chain, hair toys, replicant shirt, glowsticks" and a list that's harder to categorize:.

I am I'm an idealist. I'm also sensitive. My geek quotient is I'm a pink grapefruit. If you follow the links, you find that these are the results of various sarcastic quizzes around the Web. Despite--or is it because of? Then, in one corner there's a link to a personal home page, [xv] a second place for. Zannah to expose herself to the public in highly controlled ways.

But how are you supposed to find any of them? You can snap photos privately to one person or several people at a time. Your photos, unless your friends screenshot them before they disappear, fade away after a few seconds. You can sequence snaps to create a public story, a kind of flipbook that anyone following you on the app can access as many times as they want in a hour period. The Snapchat Discovery tab leads you only to carefully curated content from news organizations, and the app is generally and maybe intentionally not as intuitive as some of its rival social platforms.

As on many social networks, the best Snapchat users have something that you might not — a talent for drawing, a gift for short skits, a closet full of Prada, the major keys to life — but, just as important, they have a willingness to show it off in a funny, engaging, and down-to-earth way. Users share less-buttoned-up versions of themselves, and act in the moment, without doing a ton of editing or thinking prior to publishing. So: How do you find those accounts? Which are the ones worth adding to your roster of friends? And once you figure all of that out, how do you follow them?

Look no further. But many, we hope, will be brand-new names ever heard of Julz Goddard or Audrey Spencer? All have found a home on the app where they can be funny, or weird, or cute, or just flat-out creative. This is a Snapcode, a user-specific QR code that you can use to add people on Snapchat. To add a person, whip out your phone, open the app, and take a picture of your Snapcode of choice. Women can be kings! Earlier this year, the year-old quit her full-time job as a web designer with Verizon; now she pays the bills solely with her colorful doodled snaps, for which brands pay her thousands of dollars.

At their best, his snaps are almost like miniature Monsters Inc. But most year-olds have never played Conan the Barbarian, either. Follow for world travel, a look behind the scenes of current projects and, not surprisingly, a lot of gym selfies. Watch as she snaps while bopping from spin class to the gym to another spin class.

Why would you pay for a SoulCycle membership when you can just open up Snapchat and pretend? Follow her because her life is way more chill than yours. Name: Christine Mi Day job: Snapchat artist and strategist Username: miologie Why you should follow: After graduating from Yale in , Christine Mi decided to forgo the traditional career route and instead go all-in on Snapchat. And why not? No stylus involved. Name: Chino Day job: Property master and art director Username: turbanchino Why you should follow: Some people snap their cool lives.

Other people just snap themselves and paint a cool life around them. Chino has a particular gift for celebrity portraits: His best snaps are the ones where he draws entire scenes from movies, leaving a hole for his face. We think he makes a pretty convincing Regina George.

Try to read that without rolling your eyes. A full-time engineer and part-time Snapchat pro, Goldstein has an account devoted to all things science; every Monday she hosts a weekly show where she demonstrates experiments, like building a Rube Goldberg machine. Name: Geir Ove Pedersen Day job: Snapchat strategist and graphic illustrator Username: geeohsnap Why you should follow: Geir Ove Pedersen takes pictures of unsuspecting people on the street and then doodles on them to create cool pieces of art: A random person riding a bicycle suddenly has two giant bears clinging to them; a coffee-shop barista is transformed into Moe, the bartender from The Simpsons.

Name: Alex Richter Day job: Snapchat consultant Username: decalex Why you should follow: Alex Richter has better handwriting than you and he wants you to know it. His account is devoted to snaps showing off his calligraphy skills, rounded out with a daily dose of humor. Follow her to see snaps of popular cartoon characters like Scooby Doo and Hello Kitty. Did we mention cats? Name: Dr. Read more about Dr. Lee here. Miami who is, yes, a real, board-certified plastic surgeon takes you behind the scenes as he slices and tucks everything from tummies to bums to love handles. He eats ice cream.

He goes to the library. He wears costumes. Name: Marnie Day job: Shih tzu Username: marniethedog Why you should follow: Marnie is a year-old shih tzu who was adopted three years ago after being found wandering the streets of Connecticut alone and almost blind in one eye. Now Marnie, thanks to her iconic lopsided head, has found social-media fame to the tune of nearly 2 million Instagram followers.

What to expect if you follow the groundbreaking entrepreneur? Selfies, clothes, and a karaoke jam here or there. Wonder what all that translates to in the real world? Follow her on Snapchat as she rides mopeds through Rome, reports live from concerts at Coachella, and works on campaigns with luxury brands like Bulgari and Cartier.

Name: Yoyo Cao Day job: Fashion blogger and designer at Exhibit Username: yoyokulala Why you should follow: Fashion designer Yoyo Cao made a name for herself by racking up more than , followers on Instagram for her perfectly poised and stylish pics. But on Snapchat, the Singapore-based style icon gets to show fans a different side.

The key may be that she actually has a cool life and is happy to share scenes from her trips to restaurants, runways, and her adorable daughter, Ren. Follow her on Snapchat to watch her juggle raising three kids in New York City while holding a cell phone in one hand at all times. This family is cute, even to the mommy - blogger-allergic. Back at his hotel, he ordered room service and watched TV.

His jaw was still swaddled in bandages, and his mouth was filled with blood. When he removed the bandages, his jaw was not yet swollen. He admired its width and dreamed of a new life. I need women, lots of women, to make up for my miserable life. I need a new social circle, a new identity, a new life.


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I want to live in hotels in tropical countries and live a playboy life there, only fucking hot blonde European girls. I have the money, I have the freedom. I need to go and leave this goddamn rotten place, need to leave everything behind, my old life. He had been a user on the forum Pick Up Artist Hate puahate. In the past decade, seven mass killings have been attributed to incels or adjacent online misogynists. It was that, suicide, or surgery, they said. Incels I spoke to framed posts like this as a kind of dark humor, helping them face painful truths about the world with a shield of irony.

But trolling also seemed like a gateway to extreme ideas. Cosmetic surgery seemed to serve a similar function to trolling but on a grander, more permanent scale. Incels said it would help them to live more normal lives and alleviate loneliness and depression. Just as often, it seemed to carve their prejudices in bone.

Might as well just go with prostitutes. Relax and try to enjoy life, replied another user, who had also undergone surgery. Much like women getting breast implants, South Koreans getting eyelid surgery, or bodybuilders taking steroids, the posters on incel forums seem at first to be motivated by the undeniably relatable desire to look better — and therefore be treated better.

On her YouTube channel, ContraPoints , she comments on far-right internet culture while sipping wine and sporting 18th-century cosplay. Unlike transgender people who pursue surgery, of course, incels tend to be perpetrators, rather than targets, of violence and discrimination.

PostSingularityVirgin, a year-old Canadian, started reading incel forums when he was Soon after, he dropped out of college to save up for cosmetic surgery, which he has yet to get. He believes people like him are the future; in the next century, cosmetic surgery will be widespread and affordable to everyone, he tells me.

A lot of those things are being eliminated by technology. But in a way, PostSingularityVirgin is an exception. They met a few months ago on the webcam service Omegle. In conversations like this, it was difficult to empathize with incels — they had so little empathy for anyone else. But only incels react with bile. Do you see it like that?

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  4. His obsession over sleeping with ever-hotter women reminded me of pickup artistry: This was sex as a game to win, in which the other person was the chump. Mike recently got a jaw procedure called BSSO, plus a hair transplant. In a recent forum thread, he posted a selfie specced out with angles and degrees, measurements of his features; he then found a photo of Tom Cruise and gave it the same treatment.

    The Chad face was, if anything, a bulwark against that kind of progress: Its retrograde look was the point. W hen I discovered his real-world identity and tracked him down, Truth4lie at first denied he was the user from the Lookism forum. Then he came clean. A few minutes later, he changed his mind and called me.

    One of his last posts, from June , announced he was leaving the online community for good. After his first surgery with Eppley, he tells me, he returned to the Netherlands to wait for the swelling to go down. Some days the results seemed perfect. Other days one side looked horrifically large. To feel calmer, Truth4lie listened to long videos of rain sounds. I just want to have a bed in one of his labs.

    Just a bed, a small kitchen, and an internet connection. I want to feel pure within my body and self-validate by looking in the mirror and seeing the flawless skull. For the first revision, in January , Eppley shaved off part of the original silicone implant that Truth4lie thought was too big. The time in his life when Truth4lie remembers being happiest was that spring, after his second surgery.

    Before he began to notice new flaws, he spent a brief few months when he felt transformed into a new person. He contacted an old friend in a neighboring town and rebuilt his relationship with his parents. When he took pictures of himself or looked in the mirror, he felt calm. Another revision corrected for a shape that Truth4lie found, once again, too big.

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    After his last revision with Eppley, over the summer, Truth4lie developed an open wound that took months to close. On the phone, Truth4lie told me he had recently had his fifth jawline-implant revision, this time with a local surgeon in Holland. Sometimes when he notices a woman making eye contact with other men in the street, the entire world seems to narrow to a harsh, suffocating plane of power dynamics, in which sexual attraction determines all.

    The second time we speak on the phone, Truth4lie tells me he has just been released from the hospital after attempting suicide. His last jaw-implant revision was still monstrously swollen, and he was so anxious about it that death seemed easier than looking at his face in the mirror. He swallowed pills, then read on Google that his final hours would be slow and painful. So he called an ambulance. When he woke up in the hospital, it felt like being reborn, joyous, akin to the dopamine rush he always felt after being operated on.

    I n the months since we first spoke, Eppley has been trying to come to terms with his incel celebrity. He seemed pensive, if not exactly shocked, when I asked him about it recently. Psychologically, this is an abnormal group.